P i ge on B l oo d

Film

When I think of the things that I had, the things that I did, I see how I had another life. My life now is so strange, things feel so sterile. I am an outsider and I do not want to be an insider. But have I ever been an insider? Yes, sometimes.

What is this all worth? Why am I doing this? If I weren't doing this, what would I be doing? I feel so small, so alone. Like I'm stuck in this idiotic ambient where nothing you make matters and nothing you do is significant.

I am so lonely.

I just want to go home. I am so lonely and feel as if I'm just wasting my time and money. I want to go home but I have no where to go back to. Screw the US, screw Art School.

Oh Dear.., Art School

I've been at SAIC for over a month now. Art school is treating me well. I could say that I have learned a lot, had a lot of amazing experiences and could never see myself without going to school but I would be lying.

I have learned some things. Being introduced to new media and materials my art will improve. But is it worth the money? For me, yes. I have a good amount of scholarships and pay a relatively small amount of money to go. Next semester though, I need better aid because I don't plan on taking out student loans.

The reader might question why I think this way. My feelings are mixed. I think that I could get a lot out of being at the Art Institute. Or, if I chose to, I could leave with no skills what so ever. My instructors are great but, to tell the truth, I haven't felt very challenged since I got here. Challenged in the good way, by being inspired by other's work and feel like you have someone to live up to.

And here is where my classmates come in. Fist off, I want to say that I do have some wonderful classmates that produce great work. The problem is that they are numbered.

Last week I had 3 days of critiques from 9 am to 4 pm. Critiques are helpful most of the time. Except when people that I have no respect for take up all the time commenting and criticizing. I cherish harsh, to the point critiques. But when they come from people whose work is, to be nice, not worked on, it's just annoying. Also when someone starts off like this, "I would do..." my brain wants to die.

Thank God for the 80% drop out rate freshman year.

Still, I need to work on motivating myself to work harder and be better.

Sweet Home, Chicago

I'm a the Art Institute now and things are going well. I'm finally getting back into my rhythm of making photographs.

School here is amazing. I only have one photography class and at first that made me pretty sad, but now I see why it's so important. All first year students share two classes, Research Studio and Core Studio. It really depends on the teacher of the class as to what medium you'll be working in but so far I've done video, sewing and performance. Currently I am working on a crochet sculpture.

I'll be updating regularly, now that I'm off facebook except for Sundays.

...

It's one of those times when I feel like throwing life and work away. One of those times that I know will be over but I always forget when it's gone. I don't want to be here, why are things so hard? Didn't I want them this way? Yes, I did.

I want to be a dreamer, I want to have a good life. I want to be the girl in the pictures with smiles everywhere. But see where we're going, I want, I want, I want.

I don't need any of that. I don't need it. I am stronger than stupid comparisons. I feel like I am in a place where animals are just dressed like animals.

Yet here I am again, like every other time, writing my frustration, feeling not worth it. Here I am again, old enemy of my youth, I remember you and I hate feeling you.